The messages usually start the same way:
- “I can’t do this anymore.”
- “I’m so sick of this.”
- “I need to get out of here.”
- “Why do I always end up in such toxic places?”
And to be completely honest, sometimes the person asking that question is the common denominator.
Not because they’re a bad person or because everything is their fault. Because everywhere they go, they eventually end up in the same place: frustrated, disengaged, fed up with everyone around them, completely convinced the environment is the problem.
And sometimes it is, sometimes the environment really is shit and other times, they’re in the wrong job, been unhappy for far longer than they realise, stopped doing the things that once made them good at what they do, or carry so much frustration that everything around them starts looking like the problem.
The difficulty is that by the time they message me, they’re usually already at the bottom of mount doom.
I’ve been running EiC for four years now and unofficially coaching people for a lot longer. For the first few years, I didn’t really do much with my business, EiC existed, people knew I coached, and that was about it.
Over this past year, I’ve made it much more obvious that I’m here and it sort of gave me licence to speak up when I saw someone starting to slide. I’d reach out and offer help.
Nobody took me up on my offer ... at that point.
Why?
Because at that point, they still think they’re fine, hoping whatever it is will settle down, or next week will be better, or believe they can fix it themselves.
Months later, this message arrives:
And by then, I'm no longer talking about how to make somebody better at what they do, I'm trying to work out how the hell they got there in the first place.
It's at this point coaching starts feeling more like rescue.
There is a cost to waiting until this point
People come to me because they want help moving forward - to get better at what they do.
When I'm digging them out of the quicksand our first three conversations are spent getting their mojo back by rebuilding their confidence and untangling what’s happened; working out what belongs to them and what belongs to their environment, trying to get back to a place where then can think properly again.
It can be important work. It’s also work we could have avoided had we caught it earlier.
Part of the problem starts here:
People assume asking for help means arriving with the problem already worked out.
- “I don’t know what to ask for.”
- “I don’t know what I’m supposed to say.”
- “I don’t know what I need help with.”
There's no requirement to diagnose yourself before you’re allowed support.
You don’t have to know whether you’re disengaged, exhausted, in the wrong job, badly supported, avoiding something, or simply having a really shit few months.
You don’t have to know what question to ask, that’s my job. We’ll work out the rest together.
If you don’t have an Aileen sitting there saying, “Do you want to talk this out?”, there are signs worth paying attention to:
- The things that used to annoy you now completely consume you.
- You’re talking about leaving more often than you’re talking about improving anything.
- You’ve stopped being curious and started assuming you already know how every conversation will go.
- You’re blaming everyone around you for how you feel.
- You’re avoiding things you used to handle without much thought.
- Your Sunday night dread is no longer occasional.
- You don’t feel stretched.
- You feel trapped.
None of those things automatically mean you’re in the wrong job or the wrong company, they do mean something has changed and that’s the point to stop and take stock. I’d much rather have a conversation while you’re still standing near the top of the mountain than wait until you’re at the bottom wondering how you got there.
There is a huge difference between coaching somebody towards what they’re capable of and spending the first few conversations helping them get their footing back.
I’ll do both. I’d simply rather meet you before you need rescuing.
And if you’ve already reached the point where all you know is, “I can’t do this anymore,” that’s enough to start with.
You don’t have to know what to ask for. You only have to turn up.
Until next time, Aileen
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